break my heart once shame on you Break it twice?
by Babygem
Summary: Bella has a tough past. however, she doesn't jump off a cliff after Edward leaves her. but, Edward can't stand living without her any longer. he comes back to forks but the Bella he finds is not the Bella he left. Will he be able to win her back?
1. Chapter 1: this cannot be happening

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**Disclaimer: i own none of these ideas or characters. Stephenie Meyer is the queen of Twilight.**

_**BREAK MY HEART ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.**_

_**BREAK IT TWICE… SHAME ON ME**_

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BACKGROUND:

_Isabella swan moves to Forks to live with her dad after a series of tragic ordeals. Bella's boyfriend of six months breaks up with her for no reason at all. He simply 'needs to move on'. That same night, he is killed in a street shoot-out on his way from a club. A few weeks later, her mother is abused and brutally murdered by a gang of worthless men on her way home one night. The weight is too much on her. She doesn't trust anybody anymore… except her dad Charlie Swan and she makes herself a promise to never fall in love again._

_In forks, Bella meets Edward Cullen, the handsome bronze-haired boy every girl is drooling after. Memories from her past make Bella look the other way and resist any attempt from Edward but in the end, she gives in, thinking Edward could be different. That turns out to be truer than she could ever imagine. Their journey together is not easy, but it's not too bad either. Edward swore to never hurt Bella. She believed him… she trusted him. Despite her past, she gives him her heart. Bella is finally learning to love and trust again until…_

CHAPTER ONE

I stared at him for a long while, trying to make sense of what he had told me.

"You don't want me." It wasn't a question but he answered anyway. He pursed his lips into a thin line and gave a minute nod. Other than that, his face was void of any emotion. He didn't want me. I felt a wound start to form in my chest and a lump built in my throat. He didn't want me. That stung more than anything I'd ever heard. The motherfucker didn't want me. My mind was blank. The only thing in my mind at the moment was… _what the hell am I going to do?_ I was independent; I had always been independent but this was too much for me. I leaned on the tree behind me. Everything was slowly turning into a blur. I hoped to God that I wouldn't pass out.

My mind drifted back to when I'd first met Edward.

_I'd sat next to him in Biology and his behavior had shocked me. He moved as far away from me as he could and held his hands into tight fists until the end of the period. After that first day, Edward had disappeared for a week, returning a whole new person. He was sweet and polite but I just wouldn't let him into my world. He tried his best to win my heart but I kept pushing him away. The harder I pushed, the more his patience grew. He begged me to give him a chance. After too much fighting, I couldn't hold up anymore. I gave him a chance. _Now I could see where that had landed me_. _

I should have stayed away from him; I had tried. Something within me had told me he wasn't right for me… told me that he was too good to be true… but I was an idiot. I had run happily into his arms and was now facing the consequences of that. He had walked into my life, played with my heart, and was now screwing me over. He had fooled me into thinking he cared… he loved me. I had been blind. I had carelessly let him behind the walls I had carefully built around myself. The walls had been my comfort; my fortress. I had hid behind them for so long and had no problem with it. They protected me. Protected me from myself, protected me from the world, but most of all… protected me from dickheads like Edward-fucking-Cullen who thought he owned everything… including my happiness. My helplessness was quickly turning to anger… fury. I didn't like to lose. The only thing I hated more than losing was feeling like an idiot. At this moment, I had lost… and I was feeling like a total and complete jackass.

I felt my anger building. I could feel it burning within my bones. I was actually waiting to see the smoke or the sparks coming from my nostrils.

"Bella, I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I'm not human…" like hell he wasn't. How in the world could a human do this to a fellow human? Oh, I know! They can't. He was not human and that's why it cost him nothing to stand here and watch my heart crush to pieces. I bit down on my tongue to contain all the insults I had lined up for him. I wasn't ready to talk… not yet. "I've let this go on much too long and I'm sorry for that."

"You're sorry?" I spat. He looked taken aback by my tone. _Good fuck-ass._ I thought smugly, _not all peanut butter and jelly like you were hoping for, huh?_ What did he expect me to do? Stand here and cry… and beg him not leave? I'd tried that with David and he still left me; after which he got himself killed. The memories of that day were adding more pain to my heart and more anger to my bones.

"I just need to move on." He added with no emotion. _I just need to move on. _I gripped a tree trunk with my both hands and felt my air ways getting constricted. I could see sparks of red blurring my vision and my head reeled uncontrollably.

_I just need to move on. _The same exact words David had said when he broke up with me. How dare him! How could he do this to me? I was royally pissed. Scratch that; I was so ready to grab a dead branch and shove it so far up his ass that he would… he would… I couldn't say die because the fucking moron was already a walking dead! Maybe I could just poke him a new asshole.

My thoughts were not making sense to me. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't think straight. I'd never been a foul mouth unless it was necessary and in this case, I was going to be justified.

"How dare you!" I said softly. I wouldn't waste my breath yelling even if that's what I wanted with all my heart. Had I been strong enough, I would have ripped his head off after giving him a few choice words. But since I couldn't, I would save myself the strength, give him a piece of my mind and then take what came after that.

"I'm sorry," his apologies were quickly getting old. "You're not good for me Bella." I tried to take a deep breath because at that point, I was certain I would explode into a million tiny shreds of flesh. I wished he would shut up because the more he talked, the more infuriated I got. I had to do something… anything. If I didn't I would go crazy. I had to get out of here before I made a complete ass out of myself. I was strong. Whatever I was about to do would be easy, but I knew I had to do it. It would probably hurt me more than it hurt him but I couldn't think of any other way.

I mustered all the control I could and looked him straight in the face.

"You're right." I said with a slight smile even though I was feeling like an exploding volcano on the inside. Again, I had given him something he wasn't expecting. I saw a flicker of emotion in his eyes which he quickly suppressed. I had to give it to him. He was good. However, I was ready to save whatever little dignity I had left. Edward could take my heart, my trust, my happiness… he could take all that… but I would lose with honor. I was never one to show my vulnerable side. I'd always been good when it came to masking my pain. He would not see me shed a single tear. I made a solemn vow to myself that I was willing to follow through.

"You're not human" Another flicker of emotion, "you're a monster. You are a motherfucking societal misfit that shouldn't even be allowed to exist." That was low, but I didn't care. I just wanted to cause him as much pain as he was causing me. I knew that hurt him. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and took a deep breath, which I'm sure he didn't need. I would lash myself for that later but I had to focus on the matter at hand. "It's such a shame that it took you so long to realize I wasn't good for you." The emotion that showed this time was close to regret, but it vanished before I could be sure. What was he regretting? I was the one hurting here.

"I guess I deserve that." He mumbled.

"And more…" I said coldly.

"Just do me a favor Bella."

Was he insane! Come into my life, blind me with fake love, fuck me up and then ask for a favor?!! I lost the cold smile for a minute and then replaced it and answered.

"What have an affair with the devil? Oh I will. I'm sure he'll be more faithful than you." Ouch! That stung even to say. I hoped it stung him to hear it.

"Just… don't do anything reckless or stupid."

"I'll try not to." I sneered.

"I mean it. Don't worry. You're human," duh! Did I need the vampire that was ripping my heart to shreds reminding me that I was human? I held my tongue on this. The faster I got through it, the better. I sure couldn't hold off the tears forever. "Your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"What about your memories," I scoffed, trying to hide the fact that a small portion in me was still hoping he would smile and go _just kidding _on me. Well, I'm not sure I'd take that too well but it would be better than living without him. I was mad for admitting that so I shut my mind off and waited for his answer.

"Well, I won't forget but my kind… we're very easily distracted."

I wished I hadn't asked because a mental image of him sucking on Tanya's tongue made me so jealous I thought my skin would turn jade. I pushed that away quickly.

"Well, good for you." I said. This time I meant it. I wished I could rely on something to distract me from the pain but I knew it would be with me for a very long time.

"That's everything, I suppose. I promise not to bother you again."

"Goodbye Edward." I whispered. I was losing to my grief but I had to hold it off just a little bit longer. He wouldn't see my tears.

He hesitated for a while, extending his hand as though to touch mine. I saw sadness fill his eyes. That almost broke me… but I didn't allow it.

"Oh, Edward," I had to give him one for the road. "I'm not mad at you for leaving me; am just mad at you for not giving me a warning. Normally, I like to be kissed before I get fucked."

I turned my back to him and started walking away. He hadn't moved an inch yet. I could still feel his presence. I'm sure my vulgar language had shocked him. I was barely ever rude to anybody but I didn't care.

"Bella…" I heard him say. If I turned, I wouldn't be able to leave so I just kept walking. _Save my little shred of dignity_, I told myself. This simple line kept me walking. Walking away from the last shred of hope I had. Walking away from my love; away from my life; away from… everything.

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Bella has a new personality. i hope its not too repulsive. this is my first fanfiction so please bear with me

_Reviews are loved and welcome!!! please take a minute to let me know what you think..._


	2. Chapter 2: is hell even this bad?

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**_A/N:Stephenie Meyer remains the queen of Twilight._**

**_thank you all for your reviews. they are amazing!!_**

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When I got to the edge of the trees, I stopped and turned. Edward was gone, and this time it was for real. Though he hadn't come out and stated it, he had made a promise that I would never see him again. He was gone… he had left me… there was nothing I could do now. After all the promises we had shared, all the love, and on top of it all, after all the trust I had put upon him, Edward had turned his back on me and walked. I had always thought him an angel… my own personal angel sent from above to come and save me. Despite his remorse over what he was, I always saw him as my reason to live again… not just to exist by the tide of life but to actually live and marvel in each passing day. He had been my shield. He had managed to break down my walls and reach into my heart. He taught me to heal… he taught me to fight the pain instead of letting it swallow me up. He taught me that no matter what had happened, love could still exist… truly exist, within me.

How could he forget so fast? How could he let our differences come between us? I felt the bitterness I had been fighting tagging at me as my control wore off along the edges. I didn't have the strength to fight anymore. I might have been able to fight it just to spite Edward and prove that I wasn't as weak as he thought but now that he wasn't here anymore, I gave in to it. I welcomed the pain like an old companion whose presence was annoying but inevitable. It was a pain I'd known well before, but that didn't make it any less intense. On the contrary, it made it worse as the old wounds opened up and merged with the new ones.

My knees wobbled and my heart throbbed. I could feel a sharp pain in my chest... too sharp and precise to be compared to a blow or a break. It was as though somebody was slowly sliding a blade through me, mocking me and laughing at me. _You're not good for me Bella._ I recalled the reason he had for leaving me. I wasn't good enough? Since when was I not good enough? I couldn't believe he had said that after everything we'd been through. Our relationship was never my idea in the first place. He had practically _begged_ me to give him a chance and now I wasn't good enough for him?

Life sucked… it sucked giant donkey balls.

"Selfish good for nothing son of a cock-sucking bitch," I muttered angrily. The pain in my heart seemed to be growing. How in this God-forsaken life could there exist such great pain?

When I couldn't fight anymore, I gave in and let the pain engulf me. I slid to the ground and leaned against a tree. The tears flowed freely and the sobs rocked me violently. My heart was torn between love and hate. I loved Edward with all my heart. Even after all this, I knew he would still own my heart. But then again, I hated him. I hated him with every fiber in my being for causing me so much pain. Every pore in me yelled a string of profanities at him.

The pain was getting close to unbearable. I pulled up my feet and wrapped my arms around them to stop the sobs that were rocking my body. That didn't help. The blade in my heart seemed to be twisting and turning, sending new waves of pain through my body.

When I couldn't hold it anymore, I let out a loud scream. For the hundredth time since I came to Forks, I was grateful for the lack of neighbors. Anyone who heard me would definitely freak out. I could just picture some old lady fumbling with her phone, wondering if her fingers could dial 911 any slower and cursing her poor arthritic joints. Maybe the neighbor's kid could nudge at their mom and whisper an '_is she crazy'_ in her ear. A moody teenage neighbor would probably grace me with a simple "shut the fuck up and go to hell." I'm sure anyone would gladly pick hell in place of what I was feeling. Even the fires of hell couldn't be this bad. But then again, I hoped they were because that's the destination I wished upon Edward Cullen.

"Fuck you Edward!" I cried. "Fuck you all the way to hell." The pain was tearing me up… burning me up… I couldn't focus on anything else. It filled my mind and dominated my senses. How the hell did I allow anybody to have this much control over my emotions? I tried to calm myself; tried to suppress the pain and focus on what to do next but that was impossible. I don't even know why I was trying. I just kept crying and crying.

_I hope this makes you feel better you asshole. You and your entire egotistical self… I hope to get the satisfaction to watch your ass burn or rot in hell… whichever is more painful…_ I broke off in my line of thought. I still loved Edward… it hurt to admit but it was still true and no matter how much I hated him right now, a part of me didn't wish misfortune on him. I cursed myself for so being weak and then dragged my sorry ass into the house.

Once in the house, I headed straight for the bathroom. The sobs were still there and the tears were still rolling but the one thing that was nowhere close to changing was the anger. I was still blazing from the inside. Part of me expected to see myself glow red when I looked in the mirror. Instead, I saw a reflection of a puffy red-eyed lovesick teenager who knew not what was good for her. This display of weakness was quickly irritating. I didn't like weakness; it was what had pushed me right into Edward's arms and it was the same thing crushing me at this very moment.

With one loud cry of agony, I drew back a fist and brought it forth with all the force I could master. Pieces of glass fell everywhere as the only bathroom mirror we owned crushed and splintered. The pain was instantaneous as the glass cut deep into my hand. I let out another cry and cursed Edward again for doing this to me. My hand was on fire but that was insignificant compared to what my heart was going through. I just felt bad for Charlie because he no longer had a mirror to use when he shaved. _Oh well, _I thought, _he'll get over it._ Yeah… he would; after giving me hell for it. At least I was letting out my anger somehow and I didn't get to see the reflection of a thoughtless moronic hormone-driven teenager staring stupidly back at me.

I raised my hand to examine the damage. A gasp escaped before I could control it. I had a couple of deep cuts and I was pretty sure multiple pieces of glass were stuck in there. It reminded me of my birthday when Carlisle had to treat me of an almost similar cut. I wondered who would take out the pieces now.

_If only they were here…_ I quickly stopped in my tracks when my thoughts drifted back to Edward. Even in his absence, he was still, somehow, managing to make me feel like crap. "Way to go moron" I muttered.

I ran water over my hand and tied a handkerchief to it. I would have somebody look at it later. I then decided maybe cleaning up after myself wouldn't be such a bad idea. I gathered all the pieces of glass and moodily dumped them into the trash. I was extremely cranky after all the crying. I felt like a menopausal old woman. _At least menopause doesn't hurt; it just sucks_. I grumbled to myself as I clumsily swept the bathroom door.

As soon as I was done, Charlie walked through the door.

"Bella!" he called from the door. That annoyed me. Did he expect there to be anybody else?

I was greatly fighting the temptation to yell, "She's dead!" I wouldn't take this out on Charlie. It had nothing to do with him so he shouldn't have to suffer for my stupidity. I dared not to open my mouth for fear of something stupid running out of my mouth so instead, I slowly walked down the stairs.

I had the feeling of a stupid child walking to a scolding parent, knowing their ass would be whipped 'til it was raw. Charlie would overreact, no doubt about that. He would probably throw a fit, have a few choice words for Edward and then swear on his life that if _that boy_ dared walk through his door again…

I had to withhold a chuckle. Charlie was so predictable. I could write an entire script for his next twenty-four hours and he would follow it without having looked at it.

I thrust my hands into my pockets; no need to scare Charlie with my bloody hand before he had time to process the story.

"Hey Bells…" he looked up at me and froze. I was sure I looked like crap coz I sure as hell felt like a pile of it. I could just imagine what Charlie was seeing in my face right now. He was probably hoping that this little monster standing in his living room was not his daughter. Maybe he had gone to the wrong home. I could swear I saw him glance at the door, as if trying to confirm he was in his home and not some psychotic asylum with a psychotic teenager.

"Hey dad, you look… lost." I tried to sound light-hearted.

He was next to me in a heartbeat. Instead of responding to my comment, he asked a little too loudly.

"Bells what the hell happened to you?"

Without as much as a second thought or an attempt at minding my language I calmly answered.

"The good-for-nothing son of a bitch dumped me."

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	3. Chapter 3: painful goodbye

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**Standard disclaimers apply: I own not any of this. Stephenie Meyer is the queen of Twilight.**

**i know this is weird. i should have posted this before the other two that come after but i wasn't planning on doing an EPOV. not that i didn't want to, i just didn't think i could pull it off. somebody suggested that i should do it and after much thought, this is what i came up with.**

**am sorry for the inconvenience. please bear with me.**

**EPOV**

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Bella stared at me uncomprehendingly. I had a strange feeling that she couldn't see me… she was lost… lost so far in her world… probably trying to run from what I'd just said. She looked stunned and I worried that she would faint. She looked shocked; stunned, but worst of all, she looked hurt.

A terrible pain shot through my frozen heart and I wondered if it would explode inside my chest. I didn't want to come to terms with the fact that the state of hurt in which Bella was right now was my fault, but there was no escaping it. I hated myself. Not just for hurting her this time but for everything I'd put her through in the short time we had been together. The seconds ticked by tensely, but she hadn't said a word. I started to wonder if she would answer me at all. I was using every ounce of control in me not to gather her in my arms and kiss the grimace away from her face. I wanted to feel her in my arms again… to wipe away her fears and tell her I'd be there forever… but I couldn't.

I had to do this. It was the only way to keep her safe… safe from my world and the dangers it posed. For the umpteenth time in my life, I cursed the nature of what I am.

"You don't want me." It wasn't a question, but I felt compelled to answer. I had stated it plainly before but this time, I pursed my lips into a thin line and nodded tersely. I was fighting against everything I felt… everything I wanted. I kept my thoughts and feelings hidden. She had to buy this; she had to believe that I didn't want her and no matter how much it hurt, I wanted to keep her safe.

I saw a hint of pain in her eyes which she tried to suppress. She looked like she was communicating with her eyes, trying to tell me something that was too much for her to say out loud.

Her thoughts seemed to overwhelm her after a while. She stepped back and leaned against a tree. She looked a shade or two paler than her usual self and the worry that she would pass out came back to me. She seemed lost in deep thought for a while before her shocked expression turned into an angry frown. _The kitten trying to be the tiger._ I thought sadly. I hated doing this but I hated myself more for actually doing it.

"Bella, I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I'm not human…" she gave an involuntary sneer at this. I wanted to stretch my hand to her face and turn the frown into a smile… but I couldn't. "I've let this go on much too long and I'm sorry for that."

"You're sorry!" there was so much disgust in her voice that it shocked me. The voice was hers but the tone seemed wrong coming from her… from the girl I loved with all my heart… the girl I would trade the world for if only I could. Something about my reaction pleased her. She gave me a smug look that was better than the pained expression she'd been wearing previously.

"I just need to move on." I said, not exactly thinking it over. It wasn't until Bella gripped the tree trunk with both hand and her breathing got labored that I realized how much my words had hurt her. How could I? Those were the same words her late ex-boyfriend had told her when he broke her heart. I'd hated him for it when Bella told me the story but at this moment, I was no better than him. How could I? How dare I?

"How dare you!" it was almost a whisper. That crushed me.

""I'm sorry," I let my emotions take the better of me and then realized it wouldn't help convince Bella to let me go. "You're not good for me Bella." I didn't know how far I would have to go but her eyes told me everything I didn't want to hear. She believed me; she really believed that I didn't love her anymore… that I didn't want her. How could she forget so fast? How could she forget how far we'd come?

"You're right." If I hadn't seen Bella's lips move, I'd have sworn she hadn't spoken those words. What? She was agreeing with me. I could feel my already miserable life coming to a dreadful end… or maybe a beginning of the torture life would line up for me for leaving her.

I looked at her and she looked back. A slight smile had curved on her tender lips. I should have been happy to see her smile, but I wasn't. The cold look in her eyes told it all. It was as if the warmth there was forever lost… a cold dark cloud over my midnight sun.

"You're not human." She stated. Everything within me shifted. Bella had never condemned who I am… or what I am. She accepted it and loved it. Had I pushed her so hard that she finally saw the monster in me? I felt my pain break through my perfect calm mask but I quickly suppressed it. "You're a monster. You are a motherfucking societal misfit that shouldn't even be allowed to exist." I couldn't contain the pain that burned in me. I wanted to cry out. I wanted to be with Bella. I wanted… so much that I couldn't have. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had to remind myself that I was doing this to keep Bella safe. "It's such a shame that it took you so long to realize I wasn't good for you." My pain was unbearable. Even for a dead stone-cold heart, I was sure that this pain would never go away… or get any easier.

"I guess I deserve that." I mumbled.

"And more…" she said coldly.

This was breaking me, if I didn't leave soon, I would go back on my plan. I wouldn't be able to leave. I had to finish this and leave but I had to make sure Bella would be safe.

"Just do me a favor Bella."

She glared at me, losing her smile for a brief moment before replacing it and replying coldly.

"What have an affair with the devil? Oh I will. I'm sure he'll be more faithful than you." Ouch! That stung more than anything in the world.

"Just… don't do anything reckless or stupid." I pleaded.

"I'll try not to." she sneered.

"I mean it. Don't worry. You're human," a deeper sneer, "Your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"What about your memories," she scoffed, not sounding in the least interested in my answer.

"Well, I won't forget but my kind… we're very easily distracted." Nothing would ever distract me from her. I just wished she could see through my pretenses and understand that I still loved her.

"Well, good for you." She sounded convinced that I would be able to forget her. It was time to leave. I could feel my control wavering but I wouldn't let my selfish desires come in the way of Bella's safety.

"That's everything, I suppose. I promise not to bother you again." I tried to sound void; emotionless.

"Goodbye Edward." She whispered. I felt my heart crush in my chest. I was hurting her so much but I didn't see any other way out. Her words told me to leave but her voice begged me to stay. I was torn. I stretched out my hand, wanting to touch her one last time but I knew that the minute her skin touched mine, I would never let her go. I closed my fist and forced my hand down, a wave of sadness crushing me to my core.

"Oh, Edward," she sounded momentarily stronger; she was trying to fight her pain. "I'm not mad at you for leaving me; am just mad at you for not giving me a warning. Normally, I like to be kissed before I get fucked." With those words, she turned and walked away from me.

I was momentarily shocked by her choice of words. Bella had never been one for a colorful language but she said it so casually… as if it was just at the tip of her tongue, waiting to be let out.

I looked at her back as she left me… left me forever. I couldn't do this…

"Bella…" I called out. She didn't answer me; she didn't acknowledge me; she just kept walking.

I felt Alice behind the trees. She was too quiet for human ears to hear as she sobbed softly. I knew that if I didn't get out of here soon, Alice would come out here and then Bella's heart would be broken even more by the loss of her best friend.

I turned around and walked to her. She was curled up on the ground sobbing tearlessly. She looked so small and fragile at that moment. I reached down and touched her arm but she yanked it away roughly. She got to her feet and looked me in the eye, the anger there enough to burn me to ashes.

"I hope you regret this for the rest of your miserable life!" she spat and then ran off. I moved at a much slower pace. I wasn't ready to deal with my family yet. They were all moving because of me. I didn't want to see the silent accusation in my siblings' eyes or the deep understanding in Carlisle's or worst of all, the pity in Esme's.

I let the grief and the pain take over my mind. In the distance, I heard a loud pained scream. I could recognize that voice anywhere. My world turned into darkness.

In the distance, a wolf howled.

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thank you so much for you patience and your reviews. You all are awesome!!!! keep them coming please. tell me what you think.


	4. Chapter 4: you ruined my day!

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**Standard disclaimers apply: I own not any of this. Stephenie Meyer is the queen of Twilight.**

_**Ok so Bella is not taking this like a sissy. She's decided anger is better than pain. As long as she can blame this on Edward and just remain angry, she thinks she can pull it through.**_

_**Thank you sooo much for all the wonderful reviews. You are all awesome!!!**_

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Charlie stared at me for a moment, looking as though he would pass out. I watched as a series of emotions went through his face. Confusion, sadness, pity… and finally, the emotion I knew would inevitably come; anger. Blood rushed to his face and I saw him shake his head, as though to clear it of some jumbled thoughts.

"What?" he said.

"Apparently, he has better things to do in life…"

"Wait, did he say that?" he was getting angrier, as if that was possible. Hell, he even looked angrier than me.

"Not exactly…" I shrugged. I was surprised at how calm I was.

"How dare him!" Charlie growled.

That was the same question I'd asked myself a thousand times. I stepped back and leaned on the wall for support. Charlie just stared at me. I could see the pain in his eyes. He didn't have to say anything for me to understand what he was thinking. He was afraid of what would become of me after everything I'd been through. He had seen me lose any trace of life after losing mom. He couldn't bear to see that Bella again, and it was making him angry that some psychopath was going to make that happen. As I looked at him, a lump formed in my throat. I hated to watch my dad suffer on my account. He had been through enough; always trying to be strong for me when I couldn't be strong for myself. He was there when I thought I had lost every reason to live. Even at this moment when I felt as though the whole world had turned into some sort of torture for me, he was at my side.

I felt myself start to shake and I didn't realize I was crying until Charlie held me in a tight hug and patted my back.

_I guess your ego couldn't allow you satisfaction from just hurting me, _I thought bitterly. _Now Charlie has to suffer for you screwing me over._

I did my best to stop crying, more for Charlie's sake than for my own. I had to be strong. I didn't care what it cost me but as long as Charlie was happy, I would do anything. He looked me straight in the eye and spoke the very words I knew he would.

"I swear on my life, if that boy ever shows up at my door again…" I bit the inside of my cheek. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing. He noticed the smile on my face and broke off. He gave me a confused look. I could tell he was close to doubting my sanity; crying one moment smiling the next? It must be tough being a dad. I don't think I could deal with that kind of stupid hormone-crazed reaction from my child. I just stood there and when he realized he wouldn't get any answer from me, he gave me a confused, "what?"

I couldn't tell him that he was so freaking predictable it hurt. That wouldn't do well with me trying to protect his feelings. I gave him the one answer that I knew, even in hell, he would take with no questions.

"I love you dad." I said softly.

"I love you too Bells."

I was anxious to make him forget what had just happened. This was my battle. I would fight the best I knew how… alone. Edward could suck a nut if he was hoping to multiply my pain by making me watch Charlie hurt.

"I'll whip up something for dinner. I promise to make it good." I said as light-heartedly as I could manage. I was scrambling for something to change the subject. My voice didn't break. _Way to go Bella. At least you're not being a jackass._ I commended myself.

Charlie eyed me warily; the way you'd eye a delusional child. I wanted to yell,"_I'm not crazy yet. I just have a huge chunk of my brain replaced by a major heap of dang!"_ The mental picture that came with it was not exactly helping, so I simply shut my mouth and stared back.

I didn't know exactly what he was searching for in my face but after a few tense moments, he seemed satisfied. He nodded tersely and made his way up the stairs.

I made my way to the kitchen and leaned on the counter, trying to decide what to make. Edward wanted me miserable… I would do my best to be the opposite. That was a stupid notion but it was enough for me to put on a smile on my face.

_Let's see how you like this jerk. _I thought smugly as I pushed the pain away, put on a triumphant smile, took a deep breath and started making dinner. I would make it the best… I was sure Charlie wouldn't mind the wait; it would be worth it.

I knew my exuberant mood wouldn't last forever. The pain would come crashing in soon enough but until then. I would do my damn best to keep it at bay.

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The light coming in through my window woke me up.

"Shit!" I muttered when I opened my eyes and was momentarily blinded. I closed my eyes and then tried to open them slowly giving them time to adjust. There was a brilliant stream of light coming through my curtains, which was very strange in our little shitty-weather town of Forks. I dragged myself to the window and pulled the curtains apart. It was sunny! I couldn't believe this. I heaved a deep sigh and looked at the sky. It was perfectly clear, without even the hint of a cloud. I rubbed my eyes and looked again, just to be sure. Still sunny. That was just one sign for the beginning of an awesome day.

Something was tagging at the back of my mind, trying to get my attention. Although the day was perfect, there seemed to be something amiss that I couldn't exactly put a finger to. I didn't have to think for long. I got my answer the minute I turned away from the window to the photo sitting on my dresser.

"Edward." I muttered. "You mother-fucking leech!" Oh well, there went my perfect day… fucked up yet again by the power of the biggest, most self-centered prick in this universe. For a moment, I had actually forgotten what had happened, getting distracted by the weather but now, a searing pain shot through my heart. I felt a cold pain shoot down my spine and I shuddered briefly. Even the sun wouldn't save me today. How the hell could he still control me from a thousand miles away?

I groaned and leaned onto my dresser for support as a wave of dizziness washed through me. Part of me was hoping I'd pass out. I would gladly welcome the darkness over this pain. The more reasonable side of me repulsed the idea, knowing the relief would only be temporary.

_The gods must really hate me._ I thought as I looked up. I imagined a pair of evil angels of doom, bribed by the Cullen dickhead to ruin my life, looking down on me and high-fiving each other. _Stupid maggots_. I shook the image out of my head and tried to focus on maintaining my sanity, which was clearly looking for an escape route.

When the dizziness passed, I dragged myself to the shower and reveled in the warmth of the water for as long as I could stretch it. I felt like I had a long stretch of time with nothing to do in it. This was going to be a long day. I closed my eyes and allowed a few tears to fall before stepping out of the shower, wrapping on a towel and dragging back to my room. I dressed slowly and applied balm to my hand. It was already healing. I had personally picked out every piece of glass from it, just to prove Edward's family didn't have to be around for me to live. Although I didn't hate them, I still felt it wrong for them to just leave without saying goodbye. Regardless, I had to admit I'd miss them… all of them… even Rosalie, the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.

I finally heaved sigh, put on a bright smile and braced myself to face Charlie. I hadn't even left my room when the door bell rang. I heard Charlie walk toward the door and a few moments later, I heard a question I would never have dreamed to hear at the current moment.

"Hey Charlie, is Bella home?" I froze.

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**This chapter was a short but tough one to write, mainly because it was a transition. Please bear with me and forgive me for breaking off at such a point. Guesses and ideas are welcome as to who's gracing Bella with their presence.**

_**The reviews have been great. Keep them coming please… they keep me pushing on.**_


	5. Chapter 5: Hope

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**Standard disclaimers apply: Stephenie Meyer remains the queen of Twilight.**

**thank you sooo much for your reviews... they go a long way.**

**i apologize for not updating earlier. i had a mission training retreat and just got back today.**

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My mind blanked out for a while. I didn't know what to do or even what to think. I couldn't believe this. I took a shaky step to the mirror and gasped at the image that stared at me. I couldn't allow him to see me like this; not in this condition.

"Bella?" Charlie called from the foot of the stairs. I had half a mind to ignore him and go back to sleep but then, he would just come up here and drag me out.

"Coming!" I called. I ran a brush through my hair a few times before deciding that wouldn't make me look any better. My eyes were still red.

I slowly made my way down the steps, scrambling for an explanation for my horrible appearance. I was definitely not going to tell him the truth; I didn't want to look mopey over some stupid ass-licking cum-sucking vampire boy. My brain resisted any efforts I made to generate a lie. All I could come up with was new vocabulary to describe Edward. Maybe I could just… say nothing. I'd take looking like an idiot in place of a winy teenager moping over Edward-fucking-Cullen.

Charlie had moved on to the kitchen. I could hear his voice floating over, though it wasn't raised. At least Charlie wouldn't be gawking at me with accusatory eyes when I tried to formulate a lie and look strong.

He just stood there, looking at me and I had to admit he was a good-looking kid. I felt bad for him for choosing such a horrible time for our little reunion.

"Good morning," I tried to sound casual, "been a while, hasn't it?" I tried my luck at a convincing smile. I think it worked because he gave me an answering smile of his own. I watched as his lips slowly spread into a beautiful smile which until now, I hadn't really noticed.

"Yeah, well, my dad wanted to see Charlie so I thought I should come down and see how you're doing. I hope that's ok." He raised an eyebrow, as if daring me to say it wasn't.

"'Course it's ok… thank you." I was surprised to feel a genuine smile spread across my face. Hmm, maybe my happiness wasn't all washed away after all.

"Jake…" he just stood there with an odd look in his eyes. Pity and anger, bordering on rage. "Jake what's wrong?" I almost whispered.

"He hurt you." He stated firmly, as though sure I wouldn't argue.

"What… oh no… it's…" my mind just froze. It wouldn't give any coherent answer.

"Don't try to defend him Bella. I can see it in your eyes. How could he…" a hint of pain appeared in his eyes. That confused me. He barely knew me and the last time we met, he'd come to my prom to bring a warning from his father… a warning I should have listened to. One I could have listened to if I wasn't such a freaking moron. Now he stood at the foot of my stairs hurting for me? If that didn't make me feel like shit, I don't know what else would.

I was not ready to discuss the fact that an asshole had passed through my life and left me heartbroken but I didn't know how to avoid the subject. I was terribly grateful when my stomach growled. It was a little embarrassing but it gave me my much-needed relief from the most dreaded conversation.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine," I said, trying to sound light-hearted. "Mind joining me for breakfast?"

I walked toward the kitchen without waiting for the answer. I knew he would join me anyway. The kitchen was feeling a little crowded with Charlie and Billy already there and the addition of Jake and me. I was used to being alone in the kitchen and now more than ever, I wished I could be alone.

"Bella," Billy nodded and extended his hand.

"Good morning Billy, nice to see you again." My heartbeat picked up a notch as I met his gaze. He put a little pressure on my hand and his old wise eyes seemed to be seeing beyond the fake smile on my face to the dark secrets my heart now held. I stared at the only other person in the room who knew the Cullen's secret and felt myself shudder.

"How are you doing?" he seemed genuinely concerned. What the hell was wrong with the Blacks? I had been the stupid one and gotten myself into a shithole and instead of sitting back and mocking me, they were concerned about my well being. This was getting a little more than I could bear. I wished everybody could just leave me alone and ignore me. Concern was definitely not helping.

"Pretty good," I tried to keep it vague. I was not going to give him the details of what I felt and I had a feeling he wouldn't want to hear them either.

"Good morning dad," I tuned to Charlie.

"Morning Bells, how did u sleep?"

"Just like a baby." I said as I made my way to the fridge. I grabbed a bottle of milk, put it on the counter and proceeded to get some cereal. I tried my best to ignore the three pairs of eyes staring at me at the moment. Charlie and Billy exchanged a glance and both left the kitchen. I hoped beyond all odds Billy wouldn't tell Charlie a thing.

"So are you hungry?" I asked Jake when we were alone. I was trying to buy time but I knew that the Cullen's sudden departure from town would soon be brought up.

"Not really, I already had breakfast." He said as he joined me at the kitchen table. He watched me curiously while I ate, which made me terribly self conscious. "So, did you have any plans for the day?" he asked conversationally.

"Not really." I couldn't even come up with a good lie so I just stuck to the truth. Jeez… I was really turning into a cabbage-head. I chuckled at a mental picture of myself with a giant cabbage for a head.

"What?" Jake asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing." I answered simply while I drowned down the rest of my cereal.

He was quiet for a while before he raised his head again.

"Would you like to go for a walk?"

He was standing before I could come up with an excuse out of this one. I thought some things over in my head but none of them was good enough.

_I can't go because if I do, I'll be tempted to tell you that a prick named Cullen broke my heart and for that reason, I feel like poop and that wouldn't really look good on my part._ I shook my head and once again, cursed my brain for lack of creativity.

"Sure." I tried to sound enthusiastic as I followed him outside. Charlie and Billy were either too busy to notice us leaving or they were simply ignoring us. I decided the second option was probably more accurate.

Jake led the way toward the woods behind my house. The same woods where… I heaved a sigh. I still couldn't bring myself to deal with my own thoughts. I had half a mind to stop him and suggest a different route. I wasn't sure I could deal with the memories of all the things Edward said right in these woods when he broke my heart and left me to die. A stronger part of me gave me the strength to move forward, saying it would show that I wasn't just the weak little human Edward thought I was. I wouldn't allow him to control every aspect of my life from a million miles away.

We walked in silence for a while. Jake seemed to be deliberating on something. As for me… well, I was just waiting for the onslaught. When we passed the place where Edward had broken my heart, my breathing hitched and my heartbeat picked up. I felt goose bumps cover my arms. Jacob glanced at me.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"Never been better." I lied.

He nodded and continued walking, though I could tell he saw right through my lie. I didn't ask him where we were going or how far we'd go. I didn't care. Walking felt good and there was something about Jake that made me feel… whole. The wounds in my heart were still fresh and bleeding but somehow, it felt as though Jake's presence took my mind off of them for a few seconds at a time. That was better than constant pain.

A few minutes later, he veered off the trail into the tall undergrowth. He walked to a fallen tree that formed some sort of a bench… not exactly comfortable, but endurable. I remembered this place distinctly. It was the same log I sat on one rainy Saturday morning and decided that it didn't matter what Edward was. This was the place where I'd decided I'd love him no matter what. It seemed an odd coincidence that Jake had led me here. I'm not sure I'd have ever found the place on my own again.

"Wow, I looked around. " How did you find this place?" I couldn't help but wonder. Jake barely came to Forks but he found the place so easily, as if he'd come here often.

He didn't give me an answer. He simply shrugged and looked away.

When he turned back to me, the pain was back in his eyes. I could tell he was struggling with something, but I couldn't guess what it was.

"Bella…" it was almost a whisper.

I looked deep into his eyes. In that instance, something told me that this was not the end of the world. Edward might have broken whatever was left of my heart but he didn't finish me off. Somehow, despite everything in me screaming otherwise, staring into Jacob Black's dark eyes, I dared to hope.

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**this one wasn't an easy chapter either. i tried to edit it multiple times but at the end of it all, i still felt unsure. i relly hope you liked it. please take a minute to review and tell me what you think...**

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	6. Chapter 6: oh no! not you too

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**Standard disclaimers apply: Stephenie Meyer remains the queen of Twilight**.

**i apologize for not updating earlier. i was falling back on my classes and needed to catch up. it's now 3.30 am. i'm sacrificing tonight's sleep to get this chapter up. i put quite some thought into it and i hope it was worth it.**

**BPOV**

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"I know it's been a while…" he trailed off.

"Yeah, I tried to reach you to apologize for the last time… you know…" I didn't want to bring up the night of the dance, but I had to get the apologies out of the way. "I wanted to come see you, but Billy said it was best not to. I think he said you had mono or something like that. After a while, nobody picked up my calls anymore and I didn't know what to think of that. I thought that maybe… you just couldn't forgive me but I couldn't blame you."

The same troubled look appeared on his face. I could almost feel the internal conflict he was trying to resolve though I didn't know what was causing it. Jacob was a nice kid; easy to get along with. Although we'd spent a lot of time together, I felt like there was always something new and fascinating about him. Seeing him this troubled hurt me more than I would expect. Naturally, I tried to get his mind off of what was bothering him.

"Of all other retched things to catch Jake, you chose mono? Who were you kissing on this time?" I gave him the best smile I could manage.

A small smile appeared on his lips but it didn't tough his eyes. I was starting to think the turmoil within him was greater than I'd assumed.

"Nobody in particular," he said lightly and almost immediately returned to his brooding look. I strongly fought the edge to lift my hand to his lips and stretch them into a smile.

I creased my brow, thinking hard. I thought mono was contacted by kissing. If Jake hadn't kissed anybody… he was either lying to me or Billy was. I couldn't think of a reason for them to do this. Were they hiding anything from me? If they were, what was it? I just hoped Jake trusted me enough to confide in me.

He held my gaze steadily, his furrowed brow mirroring mine. There was still conflict in his eyes. I didn't know what was going on in his head but I could tell he was struggling with something. I didn't dare break the silence first. Whatever he was debating over, the choice to share it had to be his. The intensity of our gaze seemed to increase by the minute. My breathing was getting labored and my heart rate quickened but my lips remained sealed.

Finally, Jacob broke the silence. He closed his eyes and shook his head slowly.

"He hurt you," he repeated in a hoarse whisper. The silence had been so deep that even his whisper seemed too loud. He looked as though he was confirming a theory. As though he'd been struggling with the idea of Edward hurting me and now that he was sure it was true, he voiced his observation. He looked deeply troubled by this situation. Of all the time I'd spent with Jake, I'd never really realized how much he cared for me but now I saw it in his face.

He opened his eyes and the conflict in them was diminished, although not completely eliminated. He stretched his hand and gently placed it on my cheek. I felt tears rush down my cheeks onto his hand but he didn't move it away. His hand felt hot; not regular, normal human temperature. It felt like the skin of somebody running a serious fever. _Maybe the mono had been real after all, _I thought. Despite the heat, his hand felt nice against my skin. It felt… right. It reminded me that my life wasn't totally fucked-up after all.

"Maybe that's what he saw best," I couldn't believe myself. Had I just defended the prick-sucking leech-boy who had crushed my heart? I closed my eyes and made no effort to stop the tears.

"Why are you still defending him, Bella?" Jake whispered.

I opened my eyes and gave him the most sincere answer I could come up with.

"I don't know," I whispered. The minute the words left my mouth, I realized why I was still defending him. I still loved him. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't deny how true that fact was. I felt stupid and idiotic that I could still cling to a love that had hurt me so much. I could show the world that I didn't care… I could do my best to be angry with Edward, but deep down inside, a part of me would still be missing. So many broken promises… so much empty talk. I had believed it all. I had gambled my heart and everything in me… and I had lost.

The sobs started soft and increased with time. Jacob's hand moved from my face and pulled me up to him. He didn't say a word to me. He didn't try to console me or say anything about Edward; he simply held me and let me cry it out.

When he was sure I wasn't crying anymore, he moved his hands to my arms and looked me in the face. Once again, the conflict was back with a new intensity. This time, I couldn't just be quiet.

"Jake, what's wrong?" I moved my hand to his cheek.

I felt his jaw clench and his muscles tense. Worry crept up my spine at his reaction. Was I the one causing it? Was all the pain in his face from me? I held my questions as I awaited him to reply.

"Bella, why didn't you tell me? I trusted you and I was sort of hoping for the same from you," he said quietly.

I creased my brow, confused.

"Jake what are you talking about?" I whispered.

"I'm talking about the Cullens, Bella," his voice was getting stronger.

"They just left yesterday, Jake. I didn't get a chance to tell anyone yet." And I wasn't planning on telling anyone, but sure enough, the news had spread already. In a small town such as this, things like that didn't go unnoticed for long.

"I'm not talking about them leaving."

I was getting more and more confused by the minute. When I creased my brow again, Jake took a deep breath and spoke slowly and carefully, as though he was addressing a young child.

"Bella, do you remember that day at the beach when I told you about the Quileute legends?"

I nodded. Of course I remembered that day. How could I forget even if I wanted to? That was the day Jacob had obliviously given me answers about the Cullens. It seemed like ages ago. So much had changed between then and now. Jacob seemed to have grown way more than a regular teenager would. He even looked older than me, by far.

"Did you know or am I the one who told you, Bella," he was almost whispering again.

My breath caught. How could he know? How had he known? I was positive I hadn't told a soul. How had Jacob come across the truth? I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

"Jake, I thought you didn't believe in myths," I gave a nervous chuckle but this time, he didn't smile. He just watched me intently, impatience starting to show in his face. He shook his head sadly.

"Bella…" he whispered.

"Jake…" I didn't know what to say but surely I had to say _something._ "I'm so sorry." He had no idea how true that was. I _was _sorry. Sorry for everything. For tricking information from him, using him as source of joy and entertainment, lying to him, not trusting him…

The list could go on and on but the fact remained that I was sorry.

He shook his head again and closed his eyes,

"Bella how could you…"

"Jake I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you. I…"

"I don't blame you for not telling me," he said softly, "I just blame you for putting your life in the hands of a vampire."

The moment he said the word, I stiffened. That confirmed my deepest fears. Somehow, Jacob knew the truth and something told me it wasn't out of just hearing legends. He sounded too sure.

"how did you…" I couldn't finish.

"Bella, do you remember anything else I said at the beach on that day." His eyes were pleading.

"I don't think I …"

"Come on Bella, think…" he pleaded. I could tell this was important to him but I couldn't understand why he didn't just tell me.

"Jake, whatever it is just let me know…"

"I can't." he clenched his jaw again and a tremor formed on his arms. "it's bad enough as it is. They'll rip me a new one for just talking to you."

"Who are you talking about? What do you mean about talking to me?"

"Bella please think about what I told you…" he wanted me to try; I guess I owed him that much.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember the details of my beach walk with Jake. He had talked about the Cullens. He referred to them as 'the cold ones.' He also talked about their one mortal enemy…

I gasped as my eyes flew open. Jake watched me sadly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I could have told you earlier but the rest wouldn't let me, especially with…him around you all the time."

I felt lightheaded and nauseous. I sat on the log and put my head between my knees. This was too much for me to bear. How on earth was this happening? I felt like a character from a bad dream.

"But… how?" I raised my eyes to meet his, fresh tears welling up as I tried to make sense of my life, just when I thought I'd hit rock bottom, it turned out I still had a long way to go. My vampire boyfriend had just dumped me and now Jake… Jake, a kid I'd know since I was a child was a werewolf.

The sobs threatened to tear me apart but I made no effort to contain them. He didn't hold me this time. He just watched me cry, looking as though he'd shed tears of his own. When I couldn't cry anymore, I stared up at him, lost. My world was slowly coming to an end. I wondered how much more fate was willing to throw my way.

I looked up at the trees above and pictured the two angels again.

"Stupid maggots," I mumbled again.

"Bella," Jake spoke softly… sadly, "I'll give you some time to process it. If you don't want to ever see me again, I'll understand. If you do, just call me and I'll always be there. Just remember that deep down, it's still me. Nothing's changed. I love you Bella." He turned to leave but I wanted to say something.

"Jake…" I called hoarsely.

He turned to look at me. I wanted to tell him I still loved him. I wanted to tell him it didn't matter what he was, but the last time I'd said that to somebody, I'd gotten my heart broken. I needed to think about this. I needed time.

Jake's eyes searched mine as he waited for whatever I had to say but all I did was shake my head. Finally, he turned and walked away.

I stood there and watched him fade into the woods, and a piece of my heart left with him.

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**_please review..._**


	7. Chapter 7: i didn't want to fight you

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**_standard disclaimers apply._**

**_Finally, here we go. i know i haven't updated in a while and i truly apologize for that. i've been trying to catch up with my school work and study for my tests while trying to get the chapter done. as always, i'm grateful for your patience and your support. your reviews, favs and subscriptions give me a heart to keep writing... please keep them coming._**

**_ok, i put a whole lot of thought into this chapter. i read and re-read it but at the end of it all, i don't think there's anything more i could have done to it. please review and tell me what you think._**

**_JPOV_**

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The sound of my paws hitting the ground helped me to keep myself together. I counted the steps silently in my head, trying to think of nothing more than the soft earth and rotting leaves beneath me. I evaluated the different scents around me, trying to decide which one belonged to what; the old trees around me, the new sprouting shoots beneath them, the dead fallen logs around… they all seemed so untrue. I could feel my muscles contracting and relaxing with my efforts to keep running. The load in my heart gave me a pain that was almost physical. Everything around me was quickly turning into a meaningless blur of deep green color. The cold wind rushing past me and gave me the illusion that I was flying… or maybe dying. Despite all this, my step did not falter.

I rapidly increased my speed, pushing my heart and muscles to the limit and wishing against all odds that I could run myself out of this life. More times than one, when I lost control of my thoughts, I saw Bella's face. I saw the fear written all over her face and the shock of having discovered her best friend was a monster too. I saw the pain so clearly shown in her eyes, dimming the deep lovely brown. I wanted nothing more than to reach out to her and smooth the furrows on her face and assure her that there was nothing to fear, but I couldn't. The decision had to be hers; I couldn't force myself into her life. I just hoped she would find it in her heart to accept me because if she didn't…

I immediately changed the direction of my thoughts. They were too painful; the idea of Bella's rejection was unbearable. I couldn't allow myself to think about it yet. I wasn't ready; I needed to brace myself. I pushed my feet even harder, reveling at the strength of the wolf within. I was a monster… but I existed for the greater good. My purpose in life was to eliminate leeches like Edward Cullen from the face of the earth. Surely, Bella had to see the sense in that, even in the middle of her heartbreak. The leech had hurt her, but I had to prove to her that I wouldn't do that to her; there was just one problem with that; for me to prove anything to her, she had to give me a chance first. Once again, our friendship's fate rested solely on her decision.

"Dude, slow down; Come on, you know I can't run that fast."

Great! Quil was my best friend but the last thing I needed was somebody else in my head at this moment. I grumbled angrily and tried to run faster, concentrating my mind only on the things around me and not those inside of me.

"Come on, Jake," he was trying his best, but was no match for my speed. I held the record in the pack and every once in a while, I'd remind somebody that I did. Today was Quil's unlucky day.

Despite the fact that he knew he couldn't catch up, he kept running. I could feel how much he was straining to move faster but I wasn't ready to slow down yet.

In the midst of my struggle to keep a considerable distance, I let my mind slip. I saw Bella's wide brown eyes staring back at me, shock and fear etched all over it.

"The leech left her in pretty bad shape, huh?" Quil thought sadly.

That was the wrong thing to say. The minute he said it, I felt a hint of self-loathing at the fact that he was attributing Bella's shock to the leech's departure. Whatever followed that, I couldn't control. Without my consent, my brain replayed my conversation with Bella in great detail. By the time I tried to stop, it was too late.

"Jake!" Quil's shock was so great; I thought he'd seen the devil. Mixed with my own feelings, it was too much.

"You told her," it wasn't a question. His thoughts were sympathetic but there was also a hint of accusation.

"Technically, I didn't." I stated simply.

Quill fell silent for a while, replaying what he'd seen in my mind. Slowly, he got my point.

"Cool… you went against an alpha command… how in the world did you do that?"

"I didn't Quil. She figured it out."

I replayed the scene one more time and then replayed an older memory of Bella and me walking on the beach.

"Cool."

By now, I had already slowed to a trot and Quil had caught up with me. We just ran side by side, not minding each other's business. The scene with Bella played so many times in my mind I wondered how Quil was able to stand it. The peace was what I needed and I guess he was respecting that.

"Jacob Black, what the hell have you done?"

Apparently, not everyone respected the fact that I needed some time alone with my thoughts. If that had been a question from Quil, I'd have turned around and dug my teeth into his neck; but it wasn't from him.

"What wrong did I do this time, oh mighty alpha?" I sneered.

"Why, Jake? You told the tribe's secret to an…"

"An outsider; that's what you were going to say, Sam, isn't it?" I cut him off, not wanting to hear what words he had lined up to describe what Bella was.

"She is." His tone was a little defensive.

"She's not an outsider, Sam. It's not like…"

'She's not a Quileute either; so you clearly had no right," Sam's perfect control was waning.

"I have every god dam right to do as I wish with my fucking life," my control was never the best on a normal day, so clearly, the situation wasn't helping me.

"But not with the tribe's secrets. Jacob Black, don't you have any respect for what you are?" that hit a nerve.

"Respect for what I am? And what exactly am I; giant dog that walks around licking my ass under your command?"

"Jake, I won't let you…" he growled, but I wasn't ready to hear the rest of it.

"You won't let me what, have a life? Then kill me, Sam. Take away my will or just sink you shitty teeth into my neck until I'm dead."

"Jake," Quil thought softly, trying to calm me down, but I was too far gone to listen to him.

"She's my best friend; she had a right to know," I was trying to keep my head straight but that was proving immensely difficult.

"Did she?" he quipped.

"Of course she did, Sam!" I was losing to my anger but I was in no position to control myself. Too much was going on in my mind I thought I was going to end up with a mental overload. Sam was already at the clearing where Quil and I had stopped. He walked up to me and looked me straight in my face. I didn't flinch or give him the satisfaction of seeing my weakness. I held his gaze steadily, waiting for his next move. All my muscles were tense, waiting to attack if I had to. I really hoped I wouldn't end up fighting my alpha; not that I was afraid of losing; I just respected Sam more than that despite him being a dick-head most of the time.

"She associated with the enemy; that makes her an enemy." A wave of anger wiped off any type of control I'd been keeping up.

"The leeches left her, Sam," I growled.

"That doesn't mean she wouldn't side with them in a battle." He stated firmly. A confused mixture of anger and pain at the thought of Bella supporting the Cullens after what they'd done.

"She wouldn't."

"Want to bet?" Sam was smug now. "Jake, I forbid you to…"

"You don't forbid me shit!" I could see hints of red blurring my vision. I was close to losing it. I could feel the power of my emotions overwhelming me.

"Listen to me, Jake," Sam wasn't too far from losing it either.

"Make me," I challenged.

I saw Sam lunge himself at me and jumped aside, narrowly missing his teeth.

"Ha! Let's see who's the big bad wolf now." I was beyond reason… beyond control… beyond… everything.

I threw myself at Sam and ran my claws over his cheek. Blood started oozing immediately and I felt a thrill of satisfaction. At least I could now channel my anger somewhere.

Sam knocked me off my feet and onto a rock and I heard the bone on my font paw crack.

"Shit!" I muttered as a wave of pain washed over me. I knew it would be healed in no time but I wasn't so crazy about the pain. "You fucking asshole," I thought angrily as I pulled myself off the ground and headed straight at Sam.

Quil jumped between us, making me stop suddenly. The pain in my paw was subsiding but it was still excruciating. My breathing came hard and fast as I looked past Quil to Sam, who was staring at me like a disappointed father.

"Have you both lost your minds?" Quil yelled at both of us. He didn't often raise his voice at anybody but I guess we'd pushed him too far. "We are supposed to be brothers. Both of you look like moronic 10 year olds trying to gauge who's stronger."

I tried to calm myself and think straight. I had let myself go too far. I hated to admit it, but Quil was right. As much as I thought Sam was a pussy, he was still my brother; at least he was in pack life. he'd helped me through my first stages and was always there to talk some sense into me whenever I needed it.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, to no one in particular and then I looked straight at Sam. "I had to. She deserved to know. Even you can get that…"

"No, Jake. Even I couldn't tell Leah the truth. I left her broken. I crushed her beyond anything I can ever describe but even then, the pack came first. I kept the secret. I didn't tell her a thing."

"Well, at least Bella had enough brains to connect the dots," I was being careless, letting my smart mouth run again.

"Jake," Sam was fighting not to lose control again.

"Jake," Quil warned me. I didn't look at him; I simply stared at Sam. The tension between us was so thick you could cut it with a butter-knife. I felt Quil cower at the intensity of our thoughts. Sam thought of the day he'd broken Leah's heart. He thought of all the things Leah had said to him. On a regular occasion, Leah Clearwater was a bitter pill to swallow so on this occasion, she'd been nothing less than cruel toward Sam and Emily. The pain he felt at the memory was too much to bear. It was probably worse than anything I'd ever felt in my life – well, with the exception of my hatred for the Cullens, which was immensely great. I felt a hint of sympathy for what Sam had had to go through and what he'd sacrificed: Leah's love, her trust… it was all lost; all in favor of keeping the secret.

"Sam, listen," my tone was way softer this time and I felt Sam and Quil relax, sure that the irrational kid had himself under control. "I didn't mean to break your orders but I couldn't stay away from Bella for much longer. She needs me, Sam. Could you put just a little effort into trying to understand that?"

"Jake…"

"Sam, if somebody had tried to be there for Leah, I'm sure you wouldn't object." That was a low blow but I cared less.

I saw Sam turn his eyes away for a brief moment before turning them back to me.

"Technically, I didn't break any orders. I simply led her to the answer. She figured it out by herself."

I replayed the scene again. Sam just stared at me, unable to find words to throw at me. My argument made sense. Anyone could see the logic in it. It was almost fool proof.

"You never really change, do you?" from the tone of his thoughts, he was smiling. He shook his massive black head at me and ran out of the clearing.

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**_please take a minute to review..._**


	8. Chapter 8: i can do this!

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_As usual, thank you all for your reviews, favs and clicks... they mean alot to me._

_secondly, many apologies for taking so long to update. i had some issues with this chapter because it too, is a transition chapter, so there's not much going on._

_I'm also right smack in the middle of test season, so its getting hard to jumble my school work and my writing. more often than not, i find myself prioritizing my writing which has had an effect on my school work. i had to try and catch up first before i failed my classes._

_Other than that, I did my best to work with my new-found suprisingly rational Bella, who takes what life deals her and tries to fight back instead of caving in._

_Finally, i own none of Twilight. i really wish i did... but i don't. Stephenie Meyer does. _

BPOV

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I stood rooted to the ground, staring in the direction Jake had run. I felt like a lost child with no hope of ever finding home. How in the world could this be happening to me? I needed a break, but life wasn't cutting me any slack. The pain was slowly building in my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. I clutched at my chest roughly and doubled over, gasping. _No… please, no… God, please… not Jake too…_ my head reeled and the world started spinning around me.

I felt my knees give away and fell to the ground, still clutching at my chest. The sobs that I was now getting accustomed to rocked me, yet again. The pain in me seemed to be growing and I wondered if there was a limit to how much I could feel.

_I cried…_

_And cried…_

_And cried….._

… Until I couldn't cry anymore; my body was too exhausted and my eyes stung. My mind was still in a daze. A scream was building up in my throat but I had no strength to let it out.

In the midst of all this, I realized that the crying, in an odd way, had been comforting. It helped me to channel out some of my agony and my anger. As my sobs subsided and my breathing leveled, I felt ready to think… ready to find a solution to my current problems before life added any more to them.

I silently got to my feet and wiped dirt off of my knees. I looked around me, marveling at the beauty surrounding me. It just amazed me how the world could look so peaceful… so calm… so serene, while here I was, in my little bubble of excruciating agony.

I couldn't take any more. These woods were starting to home some feelings and memories I'd rather not have to remember, so I turned and started walking home.

I slowly walked into the house, barely noticing the world around me. The messy jumble that was my thoughts eliminated all else in the world, leaving me numb and lost. My brain was reeling so hard I could almost hear it churning.

_Jake… my Jacob… _was all that made sense in my head. I repeated the simple phrase over and over in my head, as if trying to convince myself he was still the same Jacob I'd known all my life. All this couldn't be happening. I felt as if I was in the middle of a bad dream and wished hard for the morning to come. None of these things could be true. I thought the world was complicated enough with my boyfriend – now my ex-boyfriend – being a supernatural, mythical creature. Did the same case have to happen to my best friend too?

I walked into the living room in a daze, faintly aware of Billy and Charlie, and walked right past into the kitchen. I went straight to the fridge and got an ice-pack. I had to cool my head before my brain exploded right through it. I placed the ice on my forehead and headed for my room. I needed some time… I needed to think. Too much was going on around me and I needed to make sense of it all; if that was even possible.

I was almost halfway up the steps when Charlie called out to me.

"Hey, Bella," I groaned silently and walked back to the living room. The two men looked at me keenly for a moment before Charlie's stare turned into a look of concern.

"Bella, are you ok? You don't look…" he trailed off, lost for words to describe me.

"Yes, dad; I'm fine, thanks. I'm just a little tired." I tried to stick as close to the truth as I could. I was tired; that was no lie. I was tired of life shoving things in my direction from every angle… making me feel like a character from a bad movie. "You don't mind if I go to my room for a while, do you?"

Charlie stared at me curiously, and then looked around, as if just noticing that I was alone.

"Where's Jake?" he asked, ignoring my previous question.

I shrugged and pushed my lower lip out briefly before answering him.

"He decided to run home." I stated it so matter-of-factly that I'm sure Charlie thought I had finally lost it. Billy just raised his eyebrows and chuckled quietly, with little humor. Charlie looked from him, to me, then back to him.

"Jake is a big boy. He can take care of himself." He shrugged; a reaction almost similar to the one I'd given.

Charlie shook his head sadly, shrugged and turned his attention back to the T.V.

I took that as a sign for me to leave. I risked one last glance at Billy, who simply nodded and gave me a weak smile, before walking off.

Halfway up the steps…

"Hey, Bella," Charlie called again.

I wanted to yell at him and ask him what it was that he'd forgotten to ask but I simply walked back to the foot of the stairs.

"Yes, dad," I said emotionlessly.

"Don't break any more mirrors." This time there was a smile on his face. He was trying to make me feel better. I felt a wave of great affection towards him and couldn't deny him a smile in return.

"There are no more mirrors to break." I chuckled as I headed to my room.

………………………………………………….

I dropped onto my bed; my eyes closed, and tried to make sense of my jumbled thoughts. I needed to come up with something… fast, before my brain caved in on itself. So many things were happening around me and there was no way to explain any of them. I tried to gauge my options based on past experience.

Edward was a vampire… I didn't care. I had said so myself; told him the very words that were now making me feel like the biggest moron in all the history of mankind.

_It doesn't matter_.

Of course it hadn't mattered, not at the time at least. I carefully reminded myself the end result of that. The shitty piece of scum had left me. He'd ripped out my heart, dangled it in front of my face, and then dropped it to the ground. On top of all that, he'd walked right over it and not looked back at all. _The damned motherfucker_, I thought sadly, the anger I was using to mask my pain growing by the minute.

So that was the first scenario.

Now, there was a second one.

Jacob had been my best friend for a very long time…

Jacob was a werewolf…

Wow! The two phrases seemed wrong when put together. I tried to get myself to honestly answer a simple question. Was he my best friend first, or was he a werewolf first? I knew the answer to that without having to think hard on it. Before he got to be anything else, Jacob would always be my best friend. Every time I looked at him, I would see _my Jacob_ not the Jacob who turned into a giant wolf.

I pictured Jake's warm smile in my mind and wondered how in the world things could go so wrong… especially for people who didn't deserve the pain. Jake was always warm and happy; always willing to offer a smile and a helping hand and his ultimate prize got to be… this?

A wave of pity for Jake filled me. He didn't deserve the pain. He'd been so worried when he told me of what he was. Did he think I wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore? I shook my head, recalling his words in my mind.

_I'll give you some time to process it. If you don't want to ever see me again, I'll understand. If you do, just call me and I'll always be there. Just remember that deep down, it's still me. Nothing's changed. I love you Bella._

I wanted to believe nothing had changed. Scratch that. I believed nothing had changed. I still loved him… as my best friend… the best friend in the whole wide world.

His words were still ringing in my ears making me want to cry. Dang! Leave it to Jake to make me feel like shit.

I shook my head and smiled as I came to my decision. Once again, I risked the phrase that had torn me apart. No matter what Jake turned or transformed into…

_It didn't matter._

My mind drifted to Edward, making me want to puke due to the intensity of my anger.

"As for Edward…" I sighed.

Well,

"_Fuck Edward." _I smiled as I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't show weakness or pain… I would walk around like a normal person; well, as normal as I'd ever been; and push the useless piece of Cullen shit out of my mind.

"Never again will you control my life, Cullen."

I got off the bed and headed for the door, ready to deal with my life head-on.

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**_soooo... am mad nervous about this chapter. please take a minute to review and tell me what you think... or feel about it._**


	9. Chapter 9: It doesn't matter

_I know... major fail. I deeply apologize for not updating in like... too long. I don't even know what to say in my defense. School's been driving me nuts, literally. _

_However, i want to thank you all of you for your patience, your reviews and your continued supprt. I deeply appreciate, you have no idea how much._

_Anyway, i struggled alot with this chapter but i really hope you like it. Please keep the reviews coming, they keep me going._

_I won't keep you too long with my sweet little nothings but one final thing before i go. The disclaimer..._

I own... everything sweet but nothing twilight.

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"Going somewhere?" Charlie asked curiously when I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.

"I'm going down to La Push. I won't be long, I promise," I answered hastily and stared at him with pleading eyes.

"Bella, is there something wrong? Or maybe something you're not telling me?" he pushed.

"No, dad, everything's fine. I just need to straighten out a few things with Jake."

Charlie looked at me for a moment and then turned to Billy, who was simply smiling.

"Ok, Bells," he said, turning back to me, "Just don't de late for dinner."

"I won't," I answered a little too enthusiastically and hopped all the way to my truck.

The road to La push was familiar to me, but this time, it felt different. Everything seemed to be in sharper focus and the river snaking beneath the road made the scene that much more beautiful. My heart was beating hard in my chest, not out of fear or rage, but out of joy. I was happy to know that after all, I wasn't going to lose my best friend to the cruel hand of fate.

I pushed hard on the gas pedal but the truck didn't move any faster than its usual fifty five miles-an- hour crawl. I was getting impatient but there was nothing I could do. My truck couldn't move any faster and I couldn't walk all the way to La Push, so my only option was to push the last ounces of patience out and exercise them. When the trees on both sides of the road thinned and the houses started appearing, my hand started shaking and I felt dizziness creep up on me. I rolled my window down and a gush of cold wind rushed in, helping to clear my head up.

When I got to the Blacks' house I jumped out of my truck and raced to the door. I pounded my fist hard against it but nobody answered. I waited a few moments before I tried the knob. It was open. I pushed the door and stuck my head in to look around the living room.

"Jake?" I called, hoping he'd hear me. "Jake, it's me."

The silence I received was ruining my mood and getting me worried. I walked across the living room to Jake's room and pushed the door open. There was nobody there. The window lay open and a pair of shoes was next to the bed. I wondered if he was out running with the rest of the pack. My heart sank and all the excitement I I'd felt started to melt away.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I made my way back to the truck. I needed to think about what I'd do next, so I drove down toward the beach. I wouldn't leave La Push until I got a chance to talk to Jake. That was a promise to myself, a promise I was willing to keep no matter what.

I stepped off the truck into the cool air, kicking a few pebbles along the way, the place was deserted as far as I could tell, and not that it really mattered to me. I walked along the shore, keeping my eyes on the ground until I ran into something hard. I raised my eyes and came to face with the pitch black eyes of Jacob black.

"Jake!" I gasped and wrapped my arms around his neck tightly without a second thought.

He hesitantly laid a hand on my back, as though expecting me to run or yell at him.

"Bella," he whispered, reaching back to unwrap my hands from his neck. He kept my hands in his as he stared intently into my eyes, "are you sure about this? I don't want to push you, Bella. I'm a werewolf, a monster." As he said this, the pain was evident in his eyes and furrows formed between his brows. I reached up and ran my finger along the furrows and then smiled up at him.

"It doesn't matter," I whispered.

At this, Jake wrapped me in a bear hug that left me breathless. A smile slowly spread across his face and the glint was back in his eyes. The warmth in his eyes was contagious. It felt as though simply being here with him healed me of all troubles in my life.

"Now Jacob, would you like to explain to me what you meant when you said the others didn't want you to talk to me?" I tried to feign a stern tone but I failed miserably.

"It's not important right now," he answered nonchalantly.

"That doesn't mean I don't want to know," I pushed.

"Well, the pack is supposed to be a secret, a tribe secret. Technically, it shouldn't be called a tribe secret because not everybody in the tribe knows about it, just the elders, the pack and their imprints," he said.

"Their what?" I creased my brow.

"Imprints," he answered, "it's something that happens rarely among the pack. It's sort of like love at first sight, but stronger. In this case, the two people end up together for life. It is how the wolves choose their mates in order to keep future generations strong." As he said this, a hint of sadness had crept into his voice.

"You don't like it, do you?" I gazed intently into his eyes.

"There are a lot of things I don't like about… this," he answered sadly, shifting his gaze to stare past me into the distance.

"But you said it's rare," I tried to console him.

"That doesn't make any of us immune to it. I don't want to have to go through that, Bella. I want to have a choice, even if it's in just this one aspect of my life. It's bad enough I have to live the rest of my life under an alpha command." He shook his head.

"Jake, I don't speak wolf," I smiled, "would you like to explain yourself, please?"

He looked back at me smiled and started walking, away from me.

"So does that mean I you don't want to talk to me?" I laughed.

He stopped and looked back at me. He then ran back up to me and swung me around in a tight hug.

"No, it just means I can't believe you came back despite what I am," he whispered.

"You're my best friend, Jake. Before you were anything else, you were _my Jacob _and that will never change," I answered sincerely.

For a minute, Jake's eyes glistened over, and that made a single tear fall from my eye.

"Bella, are you crying? I was under the impression you're a tough cookie," I teased.

I smiled as I wiped the tear away and punched his arm.

"Ouch!" I muttered. "Thanks, Jake."

"Any day," he chuckled as he led me down the beach.

"So, about the alpha thing, are you going to tell me what it is?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to ruin his mood but too curious to remain quiet.

"Yeah, the alpha is the pack leader. At the moment, it's Sam Uley. When he gives an order, we have to follow it. He doesn't like ordering us around though. I respect him a lot. He's the most controlled of us all; guess it suits him to be alpha."

"But how do you choose an alpha?" I asked curiously.

"Oh, we don't. The descendants of the chiefs get to be the alpha. Inheritance," he said.

I was totally confused.

"But your grandpa, and great-grandpa were Quileute chiefs," it wasn't a question. I was simply trying to understand.

"I know. Sam started phasing before anyone else. He was alone for a while so he was pretty accustomed to the wolf thing by the time the rest of us phased. He tried to step down for me but I wouldn't let him. It was bad enough that I was so good at it the minute I started phasing. My control and my speed were beyond anyone else's. I should be proud of that, Bella, but I'm not. I didn't want this life for myself; I would've never picked it if I had the choice." There was so much pain in his voice, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Jake, I'm sorry," I whispered, fighting tears.

"Don't be," he said as he stopped to look at me. He held his hand gently to my face, "some things in life, we can't control, but that doesn't mean we have to whine about them forever.

"But, it's not fair, Jake." I felt like a big cry baby as the tears flowed from my eyes, but I didn't care. Jake was one of the few people I allowed to see this side of me.

"Life is not fair, Bella. You of all people would understand that," he stated.

"I guess I would," I said with a hysterical chuckle.

He smiled and started walking again, pulling me along. We walked in silence for a while, each one of us lost to the world around us. I didn't know how long we'd been walking before the sun burst through the clouds in the middle of the sky. I looked up and smiled. Maybe, all wasn't lost after all.

"What was that?" Jake looked at me.

"What was what?" I asked, confused.

"You said something like, 'maybe all isn't lost, after all'," he answered.

"I didn't realize I said that aloud," I said, frowning.

Jacob chuckled and shook his head. Maybe I was really losing my mind. He looked up to the sky and gave a deep sigh.

"Surprise," I mumbled.

"I know," I answered, "maybe it's a sign."

Jacob looked at me, the question in his head written all over his face.

"A sign…" he mumbled.

"Yeah, a sign that despite everything, my life isn't as screwed as I thought."

Jacob stopped and once again looked deep into my eyes.

"Bella, you're not screwed at all," he said, as though trying to convince a stubborn child.

"Easy for you to say when you're not as broken and mangled as I am," I shrugged.

"Please don't say that, you're not broken. Try to get that in your head, will you?"

I simply pursed my lips and shook my head. This kid really had a thick head. Considering what I'd been through – from Renee's death, David's death and the final blow that was Fuckward Cullen, anyone had to admit I was broken. Jake sighed and closed his eyes.

"You're the most stubborn little thing I've met in my whole entire life," he shook his head.

"And how long has that life been?" I teased.

"Pretty long, as you can tell." He stretched out his arms to show off the size of his massive body.

"Wait, did I hear you say… little?" I feigned a gasp.

He cocked a brow and stood next to me, patting the top of my head.

"Very funny, Jacob," I commented.

"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that you're stubborn."

"That's what makes me a darling." I smiled.

He smiled back and started walking again, this time toward the direction we'd come from. I looked up at the sun and groaned.

"What?" Jake asked.

"I have to leave. I promised Charlie I wouldn't be long."

"Talking of Charlie, what did he think when I didn't come back?"

"Oh, I told him you ran home," I answered lightly. Jake looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"And what did he think about that?"

"Well, I don't really know what he thought about it but Billy helped a little. He said you were a big boy and you could take care of yourself so Charlie dropped it." I smiled when I remembered the look on Charlie's face.

Jake laughed but gave no other comment about that.

"I'll drive you home," he said when we got to the truck. I didn't argue. He opened the passenger door for me and helped me in.

The ride back to Forks was short this time. We talked of our early childhood stories when I'd lived in Forks and when I'd later visited after Renee and I moved. We laughed at stupid things we did and dwelt on the good times we had. Life had been so easy then… too easy. If only we could get it all back.

"Are you coming in?" I asked hopefully, when Jake parked next to Charlie's cruiser.

"I'd rather not," he said, apologetically, "maybe some other time."

I nodded understandingly and reached back to open the door.

"Bella," Jake called as he reached to hold my hand. I turned to look back at him. In his eyes, I saw a mixture of emotions I couldn't understand. Something was hurting him, some sort of conflict, not as strong as the one I had seen before, but strong enough for me to see.

"No matter what happens, remember, I'll always be here for you. I'll always love you," he said softly.

I felt my chest tighten and tears threatened to fall but this time, I fought them.

"Oh, Jake," I whispered as I wrapped my arms around his neck, "you're the best friend I've ever had and I'll always love you."

I let go after a while and looked into his eyes.

"I'll always be here, Bella. I'll never do anything to hurt you, I promise," he whispered.

"I know you wouldn't," I smiled before I got out of the truck and walked to the door. Jake followed me out and ran toward the woods, out to join the rest of the pack.

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please review...


	10. Chapter 10: A little too not over you

_I sincerely don't know what to say to excuse my failure. All I can say is that I'm sorry and I really hope you all don't beat me down for it._

_I just want to thank my ever-patient Beta, Twilightzoner. I really don't know what I'd do without you._

_Despite my not updating, the reviews still came. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you all for them... please keep them coming._

_Review please..._

_Finally, the disclaimer..._

_I own... everything sweet but nothing Twilight._

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I closed the door softly behind me. Charlie and Billy were still gawking at the T.V, watching some rugby game.

"I really don't see how you can do that all day," I mumbled with a smile as I walked past them.

"Well, hello to you too, darling," Charlie said with a chuckle. "Now may I ask what it is that you don't get?"

"Baseball," I stated matter-of-factly, turning back to look at them. "How can you sit there and watch it all day? The game doesn't even make sense to me."

"If you take some time to watch it, you might get hooked as well," Charlie answered.

"No, thank you," I said, heading for the kitchen. "I think I'd rather invest that time in whipping up some dinner instead."

I stood leaning against the counter. So much had happened in such a short time, I felt as though I had grown five years older in twenty four hours. Jacob's words came back to me over and over and every time I thought about them, the more I wanted to cry.

_I'll always be here, Bella. I'll never do anything to hurt you, I promise…_ In the entire world, I would've never asked for anyone with a better heart. Jake had been there for me all my life. There was no time I could recall when he'd let me down.

I heaved a sigh and started preparing dinner. 1 onion, 3 tomatoes, 1 green pepper and 2 carrots chopped, I was ready to start cooking. I boiled rice, diced chicken, baked potatoes, chopped, fried, boiled and an hour later, the table was set.

"Dinner is ready," I called to Charlie and Billy.

"Wow!" Billy exclaimed, staring at the table.

"Well, somebody's in a good mood," Charlie said, taking a seat. I simply smiled and joined them.

Everyone was hungry so needless to say, dinner was quiet. When we were done, I took the dishes to the sink and ran the water, my mind drifting to the last few months of my life.

_I'm sorry… you're not good for me_.

That simple line snuck its way into my mind and made me gasp. The glass in my hand fell back into the sink with a loud clank.

_Oh no… Bella, please get over him_, I thought.

It was easy for me to use my anger as a mask for my pain but deep down inside, no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I loved Edward. The fact that he'd left was still eating away at my insides. My anger could cover that fact up but it couldn't erase it.

_Please get over him_, I thought again, blinking back tears. My mind drifted to the day I'd first opened my heart up to him.

_I sat on the bleachers after school, my legs curled under me. Thoughts were spinning through my mind so fast I thought I'd go crazy. Everything in my life looked so easy on the outside while I was breaking apart on the inside. The walls I was using to mask my pain were exhausting and all I wanted was to yell at something… punch something. I wanted to cry out and curse the universe for all the pain it was causing me. Everything from losing Renee to losing David seemed unfair to me. The poor bastard had dumped me one morning, just to get himself killed that same evening. Clearly, the world was not on my side. _

_Although all this was going on in my mind, I seemed pretty calm on the outside. I flipped through the pages of the novel in my hand, not totally processing anything I read. Suddenly, out of nowhere…_

"_Nice place to think, huh?"_

_I froze, biting down on my tongue. I knew that voice oh so well. It was the Cullen kid after whom every girl in the school was drooling over. What did he want with me? Hadn't I pushed him away enough times already? Not that I didn't want him in my life, I just couldn't take the pain of losing anyone else._

_I turned to look at him and found him looking straight at me._

"_What do you want?" I asked quietly, trying to keep my head._

"_Why do you keep pushing me away, Bella?" he asked, ignoring my question. _

_Well, if that's how he wanted it, two could play that game._

"_Why can't you just leave me alone, Edward? I countered._

"_Bella, please?" he whispered._

"_Please, what, Edward?" I asked, my voice going up a notch._

"_All I want is a chance."_

"_A chance at what?!"_

"_Your heart," he stated softly._

"_Edward, I already told you that…"_

"_That you can't," he said, cutting me off._

"_Then what else do you want from me, Edward?_

"_Why, Bella?" he asked, ignoring my question, yet again._

_That was the moment when I snapped. All the hurt and the pain I'd been holding on to came crashing to the surface. The chance to vent that I'd been looking for was finally here._

"_You want to know why? I'll tell you why. Every person I ever loved or trusted in my life let me down. They either broke my heart or walked away. Mom decided to give up on me and David simply got himself killed. Every time I put my heart on the line, I end up crushed. Every time I give the world a chance, I end up hurt. Do you get the picture now? I can't give you a chance Edward. How in the world can I be sure that you won't simply walk away from me like everyone else? How do I know that I won't spend days curled up in a corner trying to erase your image out of my head. How do I know that you won't get yourself killed like the rest of the people I loved? Edward how do I know I won't end up feeling stupid for letting you in. As twisted as the situation is and as hard as I've pushed you away, I love you, but I can't let…"_

_The rest of my words were cut off as Edward held me by the waist and brought his lips down to mine in a gentle kiss. At that moment, I realized how true my words were. I loved him. I was simply scared of what would happen if I opened my heart up to him._

_The universe disappeared at that moment and all that mattered was Edward's lips on mine. His lips were soft and gentle, but the hand on my waist held me like a vice, as if he was afraid that if he let me go, he would lose me forever. I brought my hand up to his chest and pushed him gently._

"_Edward, I…" I started._

"_You love me, Bella," he mumbled, his lips barely touching mine._

_I nodded and opened my mouth to say something but he cut me off._

"_And I love you… that's all that matters."_

"_Edward, you have no idea exactly how broken I am inside," I argued, knowing I'd already lost. _

"_I do, and I love you just as you are, all of you, with the pain and the anger and everything in you. I love you"_

_Once again, his lips were on mine. This time, I didn't try to fight him off. I wrapped my hands around his neck and threw myself into the kiss with all that I had left._

After all that, Edward had left me. Now that my anger was pushed aside, the pain was unbearable. I recalled all the good times we'd had, all the dreams I'd had. I recalled every fight, every kiss, and every promise we ever made. Everything was so clear in my mind that it blurred the rest of the world out. I had to get over him. I didn't know if I wanted to, but I knew that I had to. I didn't have a choice. If I didn't, I would die. I knew that all to well.

I wiped a tear away on my sleeve and sniffed, turning back to the dirty dishes. I tried my best to block Edward out of my mind as I finished cleaning up. With a heavy heart, I dragged myself up the stairs and into the shower. By the time I got into my bed, I'd reconstructed the anger walls around me and was ready to face the world once more.

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Despite the tough act, it's pretty clear that Bella is still hurting.

Please tell me what you think...


	11. Chapter 11: New beginnings

_ok, pleeaassee bear with me in this chapter. Don't be too hard on me... or on Bella. we're just trying to cope with the new life._

_Anyway, as usual lots of love to all my gurls who have to sit around and listen to my endless rumblings about fanfic and thanx to you all who read and review. you make my heart swell._

_the oh-so-famous disclaimer: i own... everything sweet but nothing twilight._

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"Noooo," I groaned and slammed my hand on the annoyingly loud alarm clock on my desk.

I hated Monday mornings, but this particular Monday was different. It would be the first day back in school without Edward. I, however, wasn't letting that get to me. I had made a plan and I was determined to make it work. I dragged myself to the bathroom and stared at the empty wall.

_We need a mirror,_ I thought, glancing at my scarred knuckles. Well, I guess I'll I'd have to go without one for a day. I would buy one at the end of the day. After all, I was going out to Port Angeles. The thought of my mission to the little town made me smile. This had to work. It was my only hope.

I sighed and got in the shower, letting the steam and the water engulf me. I lost myself in childhood memories, thinking of how easy life was back then. When the water started getting cold, I turned the shower off and went back to my room to prepare for the day.

Forks will always be Forks and no matter how hard I wished that morning, nothing had changed. The one thing that made me hate small towns so bad was the fact that everyone knew everyone's business no matter what. So, with that said, there's no point in stating that the entire school knew the Cullens had left. I walked through the double doors feeling like a character from a bad movie. Everyone stared unashamedly as I walked down the hall to my locker.

I made pretence that none of them existed as I got my books and stuffed my bag into the locker.

"Bellaaa!!!"

I groaned and closed my eyes briefly. Among the people on my people-i-really-don't-want-to-talk-to-today list, Jessica Stanley was at the top. She was my friend. I loved her. But she loved gossip, and that was exactly why she was running down the hall towards me. She was hoping for some sympathy earning gossip from me. Sad to say, but she was right on time for the first part of my plan. I kept my head in my locker until she was close by.

"Bella, darling, I picked up a box of chocolate…"

"Good morning, Jessica. Chocolate? Oh, you're a darling," I said, smiling broadly and grabbing the box from her. I opened and pulled out a bar, unwrapping and biting in with a small moan and my eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, Jessica was staring at me with her mouth open and her hand still in the air.

"Jessica, darling, you might want to close that mouth before a moth flies into it," I said with a chuckle. She snapped it shut but continued to stare. "Why don't you try taking a picture? It lasts longer," I said, but she still stared. "Ok, Stanley, spit it out. The staring is getting creepy."

She finally broke out of her trance and shook her head.

"Oh, Bella, You're… I mean, I thought…"

"I'm normal; you thought I'd be crushed…" I supplied.

"Bella, I didn't mean it like that. All I was saying was…"

"It's ok, Jessica. I know what you mean. Mind if I ask you something?"

"Anything," she squeaked, relieved that I wasn't going to grill her for it.

"You always had a thing for him, didn't you?"

"Bella, I…"

"Come on, darling, you can tell me. We're best friends and besides, he's gone now." I smile patiently, watching her face slowly turn pink.

"Well, yes I did," she said softly. I didn't know why I'd asked her that. It wasn't part of my original plan, but now, it was time to go back to the plan.

"Forget that!" I said, cheerfully. "I know you and Mike had a thing going last year. I was just wondering if you still like him."

"No, Mike and I are strictly friends now." She seemed genuine, which was a good sign for me. Not that her opinion on what I was about to do mattered.

"So, did you… umm…"

"Totally. His mom walked in on us though. That part wasn't great."

"Well I hope we won't get caught this time. I wonder how big he is…" I slammed my locker door and wheeled around. I heard Jessica's loud gasp as I walked away, smiling at the look I imagined on her face.

The day was uneventful. Everyone stared but no one had the guts to come and ask. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to tell somebody off before the end of the day.

When the bell to lunch rang, I took a deep breath. It was time to face Jessica. There was no way around it. It was no surprise that she ambushed me the minute I got in line.

"You're going to screw Mike?!" she whisper yelled.

I turned to look at her. There was a giant smile on her face the curiosity of a child in her eyes. Poor Jessica, gossip before boys huh? I smiled at her.

"Can we save the gory detail of me and Mike in bed until after I eat," I ask with a smile.

"ok," she answers with a frown. I glance back at her. The curiosity is too much for her, she can barely hold herself together."

At the table, Angela looks at me like a concerned mother but she doesn't ask. She's never one to pry and I was grateful for that. Hers and Ben's presence saved me from Jessica's question and five minutes before the end of lunch, I excused myself from the table. Jessica gave me a baleful glare, like a child who just got their Christmas present taken away. I smiled, shrugged and walked to the bathroom.

I looked at the Bella in the mirror and frowned. This was not me. This whole angry Bella image was exhausting but I had no options. I needed to get over Edward and if that was going to do that, I would need a distraction. I opened my blouse a button too low, ran my fingers through my hair and heaved a sigh; time for the games to begin.

I got to chemistry just as Mike was taking a seat at my desk. The best thing about him was that he was so predictable. The entire time Edward was next to me, he'd been bouncing in his seat, waiting for his chance. Now, he had the seat all to himself. I walked up to him with a huge smile.

"Bella, I'm sorry about Cullen…" he started.

He stopped when I slammed my bag on the lab table and bent with my hands on the edge of the table. Mike had a clear view of what was under my blouse and for a brief second, I thought he was going to pass out. I saw him swallow hard as he stared at the package before him.

"Don't be sorry, Mike. People come and go. Anyway, if you ask me, it's his loss." I was lying through my teeth but Mike was too stunned to notice. I walked around the table and took my seat just as class was starting. Ten minutes into class, I leaned in to mike and whispered…

"Got any plans for Friday?"

He looked at me with raise eye brows and shook his head.

"Fancy hitting a movie with me? It's going to be fun," I whispered, leaning in so my breath washed over him. I saw him swallow hard before mumbling a shocked 'sure'.

I turned my attention back to my book, hoping this plan wouldn't bite me in the ass in the end.

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ok, as i said, please don't be too hard on us... we are trying to cope with the new life.

Review pleeaassee...


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